Imagine a car. It’s a usual, four-wheeled car. It was devised and manufactured in order to transfer its owner quickly and comfortably to destination. It is beautiful and comfortable. It’s not the best, but is not the worst. You have been dreaming about such a car for a long time and it’s your now.
You’re happy – you took all your friends for a ride, changed oil, bought something for your car and so on. Everything is amazing. The car doesn’t behave capriciously, and is ready for round-the-world journey.
But time passes and it turns out that your car stands idle, and you spend more time reading car magazines and talking on internet boards, discussing, what’s possible to improve in order it will be more comfortably, more quickly, and more economically. You study that everything and discuss it with verve, order new spare parts, and from time to time go around your house by the car.
The car is super! You are proud of yourself, but for some reason, use your car only in order to show your involvement to the world of motorists. All shops are near to your house, you get to a work using metro, your friends are close by your house too. You have a car, you love it, but, having set a high standard, you don’t need it – it is for prestige, one more tick in your life plan, but not necessity.
And in a year you realize that from the moment of when you had bought the car you completely forgot your other interests, duties and plans. Life stopped for a year and focused on the object of your craving – on the car and on everything that is related to it. But a car is just a means of conveyance. It must ensure extra comfort or, maybe, become entertaining, but must not substitute meaning of your life.
And it turns out the sad situation: a car doesn’t implement its role, and an owner lost meaning of his life, being deep in the irrelevant pastime. It is surely obviously that meaning of life is not rummaging in a car, and meaning of car’s existence is not to be in the garage and to please its owner with the feeling of possessing.
It is the same what happens with our relationships, however it’s worse cause we look at a fanatical motorist with easy irony, but we look at the people who devoted their life to a relationship with sincere admiration.
Meaning of life
As we are talking about a relationship, it’s not the time to be deep in philosophy of meaning of life. Therefore, we won’t climb into mazes and will tell shortly.
From the point of view of biology, everything is simple – we must multiply and reproduce, and after death enrich soil by our remains and become a food for other organisms. From the point of view of psychology, it’s more difficult – as a big tree, growing from small seed, our consciousness should cover a way of development from total unconsciousness to implementation our full potential of consciousness. Something is programmed in us by nature, and that’s more than just a physiology, and more than neurotic attachment to another person, it’s a certain inner and physical potential, which should be implemented. And we feel that.
It’s easier to say – it’s an embodiment process of our innate potential. We should go some way in this life, but not in the meaning that there is some aim on the other side of a horizon, which should be reached in order to get a good mark. There is a process in life – it’s the process of self-actualization, and it’s important not to reach the maximum level, but the process is important itself. From that the feeling of full life appears.
And if the process stops, for some reason, and a person begins going round and round or going round in circles, then loss of way and loss of meaning of life occurs…but in response to it a person begins going round in circles more diligent.
Meaning of our life or direction of our self-actualization is informed us with our feelings – in the subtle intuitive feelings, which whisper us, where to move then. But we follow a hysterical voice of our fears, which call to stop dead in our tracks and begin building our fortress right here – fortress made of a relationship and other things, which will help us, believe that we are on the right way, that meaning of our life is in the defense from circumstances and the rude surrounding reality.
Sense of a relationship
So, the problem is in following. Human’s life has some sense and that sense is not in finding your better half and building a relationship with the half. Not nature of our soul, searching for reunion with a lost part of ourselves, attaches importance to the line of social life, but peculiarity of our inferiority complexes and fears, wanting to find in another person support and comforting. Aim of the typical a relationship is getting over soul pain, which is given rise by the venomous feeling of our inferiority complex.
If to talk about how it would be if complexes didn’t dominate, then a relationship would never be an end in itself and meaning of life. Actually a relationship should be weaved into a natural life’s flow, but not to substitute it by itself. Women do love the game – to fill up the whole man’s life by themselves, or, even force a man leave his life and his values, for the sake of a woman with her aims and desires. However, the best way is when a relationship is built around something, which is important and interesting for the both apart from love cooing, that is exactly what should be connecting link between them – sharing mutual style of life, mutual values, mutual role, mutual passion.
The trouble is that for many people, there is no something what is really important for their soul needs. There are only needs which are caused by complexes. So, a relationship becomes the last shelter from the feeling of emptiness and senselessness of their being. And that shows that an own way is lost and a human from a highest being turned into a cow..and it’s good if into dairy cow, which strolls on beautiful meadows, cause else it’s possible to land in meat packing plant.
If there is no something important in life, no sense, no own passion, that means time is wasted. And a relationship won’t rescue the situation – it only aggravates, allowing to lose ourselves in romantic illusions and problems, which arise in the relationship. A relationship for a relationship is possible, but it’s the worst variant, cause there are most of all problems exactly in such a relationship, cause partners begin demand from each other impossible – to place own life under the control of a relationship, to change for the sake of a relationship.
If someone asks you “What are you ready for the sake of a relationship for?” there is the only right answer “I am ready for anything, except giving up myself and my meaning of life”.
Jealousy and other troubles
Let’s take, for example, jealousy. It’s easy to understand, that behind any jealousy inferiority complex is – fear to stay in humiliating loneliness, if a partner prefers another person. And because of that we so want to tie the person with any possible means – insults, quarrels, pressure on conscience and other manipulations. All means are worthy when you’re at war.
But on the other hand, behind jealousy our problem called “a relationship just for a relationship” is – it’s absolutely normal, that we are afraid of losing what has become meaning of life. If a relationship is the only what we have, then we really will experience a terrible terror because of the thought that we can lose it. And that increases the mutual dependence, which ruins all a relationships.
Dependence requires from us to stop being ourselves, to meet expectations, change ourselves because of the first partner’s demand, but that’s causes only rising of inner tension, which from time to time shows itself as a not noticeable hatred to each other…not noticeable cause fear of ruining of a relationship doesn’t allow expressing our feelings straight out. And there, where emotions exist which have no way out, there are all sorts of psychosomatic illnesses are possible, not to mention painful and hopeless feeling of your own unhappiness.
When a relationship becomes a meaning of life, life loses lightness and brilliance. Every aspect of a relationship even the most pretty has an importance of irrational scale. Quarrels because of the most stupid trivialities occur because of that reason – there are no trivialities in the most important thing in the world. It’s something familiar, isn’t?
Damn! It’s just a relationship!!!
Relationships are useful and pleasant – nobody argues – but they are not meaning of our life. Relationships are hard work, but it’s one from background tasks, a supplementary tool. A car is needed in order to travel, and a relationship is needed for life enriching, in order to make it more beautiful, to become a help in a realization of your role. But a relationship can’t be the main and the only aim in life, and when it happens, a future of such a relationship is predetermined, and it’s unhappy.
A relationship is not happiness. On the contrary, happiness is accompanied by good a relationship – don’t confuse reasons with consequences. Don’t hope that a good work, good friends, good house and good a relationship will make you a happy person – it’s the most stupid mistake which can be made. Moving from outside into inside doesn’t work in psychology. Even the most wonderful circumstances won’t make a human happy, as the hardest life won’t make a happy person unhappy. Search in another place.
And don’t fib yourselves, that exactly your role, exactly your meaning of life is in a relationship. However, as you wish…..
You, I’m sure, more than once, heard different discussions about a woman’s self-actualization. Modern women are often appalled, when they hear that the main role of a woman is being a wife and a mother. WTF, they tell, our lot is kitchen and nursery, and we must definitely become clumsy women, whose the only task is servicing a husband and children? We have our talents, aptitudes and desires, which we want to develop and fulfill!
A man and a woman do joint business, however different its parts. As it’s required, a man’s part is exterior, a woman’s part is interior. I am not talking that a man works, and a woman cleans, cooks, and so on. No, they do joint business and a man can’t do it without a woman. Relationships are hard work. Without a woman, a man has only “must”, however with a woman the both have only “want”. It’s pleasant to do your part of business, cause you want to do it. And here the opportunity of a woman’s self-actualization is. A woman does with a man a joint business, applying and developing her talents, satisfying her demand in activity and development. Moreover, that doesn’t disturb other woman’s hobbies. I want to draw your attention to the moment – a woman doesn’t help a man to do his business, doesn’t inspire him, but she does her part of a joint business. Is the difference clear?
